Still Breakin' My Heart
by ReversedSam
Summary: Angst ahoy. No happy endings in sight. Written when Sara left. Femslash, not your thing? Scroll on.


**This has sat unfinished since it was announced Sara was leaving. But since I haven't written anything in years I'm happy to have both felt the urge to finish it, and actually managed to do so. If it's completely any utterly terrible - sorry about that lol.**

**Disclaimers: They're not mine, but I promise I'll have them back by  
midnight.**

A/N: All mistakes and British spellings are mine.

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**Still Breaking My Heart**

I like the mornings.

Everything's warm and comfortable. For those few minutes it takes my sleepy brain to wake up, I'm okay. Then I remember. You're gone. And I'm not okay. I'm so far from okay that I can't even imagine being okay again.

I'll reach for my phone, stupidly clinging to the tiny bit of hope I have that you might have called or text while I was asleep. But you haven't. You never do. And my heart breaks just that tiny bit more.

So I drag myself out of bed and get on with the day. Smiling in all the right places, pretending I'm not just going through the motions. Everything reminds me of you. Colours, sounds, places, songs, people, words. Everything. Everywhere I go there's seems to be tiny pieces of you and every one hurts.

When I get home I look at my phone for the hundredth time, just in case you've text in the three minutes since I last checked and I somehow missed it. "You're pathetic Willows." I say into the empty room. Throwing my phone onto the sofa and heading for a shower. As the water hits me my eyes start burning, I try to hold back the tears, tell myself that I refuse to cry over you again. But I always do. I have done for weeks now.

I want to scream and shout and throw things. I hate feeling like this. Helpless and angry. I should hate you for doing this to me. For leaving me, for making me feel worthless. But I don't, I can't bring myself to hate you. I know why you left; I even understand your reasons. But that doesn't make it hurt any less. So instead, I hate myself, for being stupid enough to fall for you in the first place. For being stupid enough to let you in.

Later, I'm sitting on my sofa, determined to think of anything but you, when my phone rings. My eyes catch the screen and I freeze.

'Sara calling...."

I can't breathe, my palms feel sweaty, I'm shaking. Staring at my phone. I feel sick. This moment is all I've wanted since you left, and now it's here I'm scared to answer. I should ignore it? I meant nothing to you; you've made that clear, so why answer? Why put myself through it? It rings a few more times, and then I'm scared not to answer.

Breathe Catherine, just breathe.

"Hello." I hear my voice tremble as I answer the phone, no matter how calm I try to sound.

"Cat...it's Sara."

I sigh at just the sound of your voice. I love how you call me Cat, how you're the only person who can get away with that. No Catherine, this is not going to happen. I mentally curse myself. I'm not going to make whatever this is easy for you.

"Cat?"

"Yeah, I'm here."

"How are you?"

How am I? Falling apart, that's how I am. Thanks to you I'm completely fucking heartbroken. Why is she asking anyway? As if she actually cares.

"Okay, thanks."

"How's Linds?"

"Sara, what do you want?"

I'm not doing small talk. Not now, not with her. The silence that follows seems to stretch for hours. And I'm feeling so many things right now, but I let the anger prevail.

"Well it's been fun, this none conversation, thanks for calling, but I have things to do so..."

"No! Cat please don't hang up."

"Why shouldn't I?"

"I don't know, I don't have a good reason...I, ah...I just wanted to hear your voice....I miss you."

I'm glad I'm sitting down. Since I don't think my legs would hold me right now. And for the second time today I'm fighting back the tears. Her voice was quiet as she spoke, and I want to tell her it's okay, I miss her too. But I won't, being honest about my feelings for her is what got me in this mess in the first place. I'm not making that mistake again.

"You can't do this to me Sara. You left, remember? You don't get to phone me for no reason. You don't get to miss me. And you sure as hell don't get to call me because you wanted to hear my voice."

"I'm sorry Catherine, I just..."

"I don't care." I won't let myself care, not right now. "God Sara, you're not even here, and you're still breaking my fuckin' heart."

After a few minutes of silence she speaks, it's almost a whisper, but I hear her loud and clear. "I want to come home; I want to be with you."

My breath catches as her words register; it feels like she's just punched me in the stomach. She puts me through this and thinks she can just come back as if nothing happened? Almost every part of me wants to tell her that her coming back is all I've wanted for weeks. But I can't, I won't do that to myself.

So I take a deep breath. This is going to be hard. "You don't need my permission if you want to come back to Vegas Sara. But if it's me you're coming back for, don't waste your time."

"Catherine, I know it'll take time, I'm prepared..."

"I'm not." All my life I've been the one hurt in relationships. The one left feeling stupid and alone. You'd think I'd learn. But I just keep on making the same mistakes. "You know, I thought you were different. I actually believed you when you said you'd never hurt me. But you did, and I'll be damned if I'm going to give you the opportunity to do it again."

"Catherine please..." The pleading tone in her voice is almost enough to change my mind, almost.

"No. It's over...goodbye Sara." I hang up.

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**Thanks for reading.**


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